directed by:
Joshua Nelson written by: Joshua Nelson genre: Horror |
Dating ain't easy! As I come up to twenty years of being together with my wife this December, watching "Dating Horror Stories" was a perfect reminder as to why I never want to have to ever go through all this stuff again in my life. A magician? A competitive eater? I mean…like… don't get me wrong, everyone deserves to find someone to love, I always believe that – but how do people like these ever find anyone? These vocation choices are already horrific enough for me, never mind the personalities behind them. "Would you excuse me for just a second? I just have to make a quick phone call." Give the man some credit – if I was Daniel (Jeff Clark Jr.) I would need to make several. And then never come back to the table. And then give me and my bright, shiny car the ol' "Thelma and Louise" treatment. But that's me.
On the bright side of this whole scenario, there's practically no pressure on "Dating Horror Stories" to be anything other than awkward, which, make no mistake, it certainly is - dating is inherently awkward. What if you draw the short straw and you're out on a date with a lady who insists she needs to speak to her f**king DOG on the phone while you're out? What if you're stuck watching hack magician tricks or amateur comedy hour on your first date? They don't make running shoes fast enough to keep up with my feet in situations like these - I'd blast right out of 'em and be three towns over before the check even came to the table. I'm more frightened for these prospective lovers than they even are for themselves, which kind of leaves me feeling guilt-free…if they can't comprehend how much of a serious nightmare they're entering into, then don't they kinda deserve any/all disasters that ensue from there? Life is a survival of the fittest type of thing, ain't it? It should be. And so, too, should dating be as well. In fact, I'll take it one step further and say that if you can't recognize how you wouldn't belong together & decide to pair up anyway for the night or for a lifetime, then we're all a bit better off because of that. Maybe we should salute you as the heroes you are…by jumping on these human grenades. You, in turn, are shielding the rest of us from having to take the hit. I've never been so thankful to be married as I have been in watching this anthology. Dating seems even crazier now than I remember it being before. Especially when things get even more problematic, like when past lovers show up post-decapitation to warn you about the people you're dating. That seems... awkward. How clear do the signs need to be for YOU to stop seeing someone? Would a ghost do the trick, or would you keep on pursuing love at full force? I tend to be the kind of person that feels like I'd obey the supernatural were I to get a visitation of some kind, and especially those ghosts that might try to warn me about some creep I was dating. The real question is, if you're a magician, and let's say you've managed to somehow decapitate a person or two live from the stage whilst performing - how exactly would you get to stay on the same side of the jail bars as the rest of us? Last I checked, there were a few rules regarding that kind of thing, murder & such. Anyhow. I think we can hold a little hope for the plight of Beth (Nicole Ciuppa) surviving her relationship as long as she's willing to listen to at least a couple of ghosts and/or allow them to lend a helping hand. As for Emily (Noelle Cappuzo), who is trying to convince herself that a competitive eater is the definition of true love…lord…please help this woman. "He's a competitive eater, okay? He's not cleaning toilets at truckstops… he's literally, like, the best thing that ever happened to me." It is very much okay to watch a film and feel immense pity for the characters you are seeing. "Your life is very unfortunate," says Emily, which is irony that is certainly not lost on me as I watch this lady onscreen and wonder how in the all-hell natural selection hasn't somehow plucked her right off the planet yet. The second story in this anthology really has you wondering just how far you'd go for love, what is really meant by the 'ultimate sacrifice' in a relationship, and why the heck anyone out there would ever want to be a competitive eater. I thought that Writer/Director Joshua Nelson made a really smart move behind the scenes by crafting this mighty competitor's character around the concept of having to eat a bunch of ramen in his near future, which would be about the cheapest possible way of putting a character like that onscreen…buuuuuuut…eventually, his tastes seem to shift into something a lot more nightmarish, shall we say. So far, if push came to shove, I guess I'd date the magician if I had to pick someone…but there's still another contestant behind door number three, so let's see what we got.
Ahhh, yes. The lady whose dog is the number one priority no matter what. I'll admit – the dog is awesome, and I'm kinda with her in feeling like dogs are better than just about every person I've ever met…so don't get me wrong, I kinda understand where Tina (Yvette Irene) is coming from. Poor Daniel struggles with the concept of making a dog your number one love, but Tina is more than happy to illuminate him with the real story. Rocco (played brilliantly by Paulie Maximilian) has a bit of an appetite for…umm…people. Tina's pretty damn clear about him not eating dog food and how awful that would be, and that if Daniel has any intention of sleeping with her that he better get a-murderin' quickly. Perfect plotline if you ask me! I'm intrigued. I mean, we've seen this to a degree in films before, but usually, it's someone like Renfield having to go out and source some homies for Dracula to eat. This twist on having it being a dog with an insatiable appetite…what else can I say – I'm into it! What is certain is that "Dating Horror Stories" is much more of a comment on how lonely many of us are and how that loneliness clearly forces us to make the worst possible choices on who we should date. You know, metaphorical like. "I'm doing my best," says Daniel, "it's not like you sent me to get McDonalds, right?" He's just a man looking to find some dog food and get his tip wet – a very run of the mill, standard experience that so many of us face in life. WHAT IS GOING ON HERE? Mr. Nelson, you, sir, are a delightfully twisted dude. There's still room for the camera work to evolve in what he creates, but he knows his way around how to create the kind of classic Horror stories that so many of us have grown up on, similar to other anthologies like "Creepshow" or "Tales From The Crypt" and whatnot. It's got the Horror element, it's got some light Comedy in the mix so none of us shit our pants – there's an inherent recipe and method to creating these kinds of stories, and Nelson's quite obviously well-versed in the history of the genre. It's made him effective in what he chooses to create, and as a director, he has a solid understanding that you don't need to show a lot of gore onscreen in order to create something that fits snugly in the Horror section. Personally, I find it extra horrific that anyone would go through the trouble that Daniel is willing to go through in order to get laid. You'll see what I mean. Rocco's obviously a delight… Mae's a lot, but he's great. I'm cool with this. I feel like "Dating Horror Stories" also mirrors the methods of other anthologies by getting progressively better with each tale it tells. The first one is decent, the second is better, and the third brings it home - you can bet on that being the case from old comics to old movies in the Horror genre. All in all, though, this was fun! You don't wanna take anything here too seriously, and it's still fair to say that something like this appeals to a niche audience, but I'd say this earns three & a half stars outta five. Sure, things are not perfect, but the fundamentals of good storytelling are here. Those of us paying close attention would certainly recognize the similarities in how the second tale & third tale wrap up, especially when they're presented in the same anthology. No huge complaints from me though…ultimately, I feel like Nelson has delivered a great anthology. There's no question about that. |